What follows this Eureka! moment is a mortifying, meandering reflection
on the "evolution of my tight Asian pussy." According to Tran -- like
math and science lovin' Asians themselves, tight pussies are a
biologically "smart and practical" way to attract men. She compares her
pussy to an aperture, or size of a camera's light opening. She even
asked her photographer boyfriend what size aperture she is, and OMG! is
like so offended that he pegged her for a F16 instead of say, F395 (the bigger the number, the smaller the opening). Ew.

Oh,
and let's not forget Asian men. By extension, small pussies must
explain the small penises. And Tran further surmises that our Asian moms
are so stern, and their eyes so slanted, because they had to squeeze a
baby through such small pussies (if Tran wants to talk about her own
exceptional pussy, that's her V-monologue, but don't drag my momma into
this). And growing up -- with her slanty peepers --  she never felt as pretty as the round-eyes.

I
kept waiting for Tran to turn this provocation on its head -- make a
larger social commentary, examine its racial vulgarity and
ridiculousness, pull a Chappelle, channel Cho -- anything. But the
lights dimmed and she promptly transitioned to the next scene.  Her
delivery came off as downright earnest, and if there was some undertone
of satire or sarcasm, I sure as hell missed it. Given the consistently
obvious and cutesy tenor of the show, I doubt this could be chalked up
to subtlety.

As an added bonus, this scene felt even more
uncomfortable because a good portion of the audience was old white
folks, and I sat wondering if they took these gems of sexual and
cultural insight at face value. By failing to unpack or challenge these
statements, I felt Tran's blithe testimonial perpetuated several
harmful gender and race stereotypes, in particular upholding an "Asian
mystique" that contributes to a wider context of exotification and abuse of Asian American women.

Personal
politics aside, the show did have some stylish lines ("inferring
virtues to suit your smitten heart"), and Tran is an expressive
performer. But for the most part, SMART ASS was a showcase of
awkward attempts at Carrie Bradshaw-isms and eye-rolling analogies like
"my heart feels like a sprained ankle". Even disregarding the
disturbing "tight pussy" segment, I would have been more entertained
watching reruns of Sex and the City.