We'd met only once before this weekend, and that was like a year ago, at a party, but he caught my eye then with his double-wide jewfro, those cute little glasses, and that pale, yet opaque complexion that says, "I'm yummy like ice cream, only without all the lactose and getting the runs afterward." I guess I caught his eye too cuz he's emailed me a couple times since, and he's all like, "Yo, Hyphen, whassup?" *shriek!* I love that!
But he couldn't wait any longer to get it on so he challenged me to a ping pong tournament (which we did this Friday), and I'm all "What? You wanna call out a aZn?" and he's all "I'm bad" only with a New York accent and little bits of bagel in the corners of his mouth, so I'm all "Bring it!" And he brung it and his crouching tiger met my hidden dragon on the tennis table (the sexiest game on da planet the way he plays it, aiight?) and of course I kicked his ass (how could I not kick such a cute little I-sit-on-an-office-chair-all-day-even-tho-they-don't-pay-me-to ass?) in the singles and I let him kick my ass in the doubles. But then I let him win on the last game so that I could still get some. (But he held his paddle wrong, but it was sooo cute! I'd let him paddle me anytime! *shriek!*)
And get some I did, biatch, cuz he took me to karaoke after and he has such a gorgeous singing voice! And he sang Neil Diamond and I sang Axl Rose and he bought the second bottle of vodka cuz he's such a gentleman! Then we went for Korean food and he knows how to use chopsticks!!! (But he does it wrong, but it's soooo cute! He can chopstick me anytime!)
I was gonna put a link to his website here but now I'm not cuz you bitches will just go there and think you can get him but you can't cuz he's mine. You know how they say that Chinese are the Jews of the East? Well, since I'm like 70% Chinese, I'm practically a Jew! So I wouldn't need to convert so that we could get married! Not that we're gonna get married or nothin, don't tell him I said that. But Heeb is so crazy, I wanna have his baby!
Heeb is all that and a bowl of rice. Heeb has gravy. If you were freezing to death, Heeb would give you his vintage members only jacket, just to keep you warm! Heeb would never make the mistake of taking the United Arab Emirates' side against Iran in geographical nomenclature wars like National Geographic did, provoking a forthright response from Iranian American groups! Heeb would be too smart! Heeb would say, "Can't we all just get along?"
Heeb loves my cat and Heeb fixed my bike and Heeb made me a kosher grilled cheese sammich! You may think you know Heeb but you don't know Heeb like I know Heeb. Ya know? My Heeb wouldn't flock to see Billy Graham just cuz his audience has diversified. Heeb doesn't need a high tech revival. But maybe that's cuz Heeb has been God's chosen for like 3 millenia, okay?
Although Jews are the Chinese of the West, Heeb would not do what Chinese Indonesians done and organize a crime ring making fraudulent papers for illegal Indonesian immigrants. Heeb just would not do that. Other things that Heeb would not do: Heeb would not give disabled Vietnamese Americans citations for leaving their trash bins on the curb; Heeb would not unwittingly make an Asian American ethnicity the point of a story involving an Asian American -- Heeb would do it on purpose!; and Heeb would not eat Thanksgiving turkey with his fingers and then stab his nephew for asking him not to ... okay, well maybe he would, but that kinda turns me on.
Heeb, baby, don't leave me hangin after I give you everything! Baby! Call me!