- San Franciscans joined rallies around the world last week to express support for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's administration. Demonstrators held up signs reading "Good job, man!" and "Human rights are what YOU say they are, Mahmoud!" Sup. Ross Mirkarimi, the first Iranian American to be elected to public office, approvingly flourished a scale model of an iron maiden with an insufficiently scarved young woman in green dangling out of it.
- The Indo-American Chamber of Commerce is holding a summit in NYC in September to discuss how they can facilitate the trade of weapons-grade plutonium between the US, rising former third world nuclear powers, and crazy banana republicstans in the midst of civil war.
Secretary Clinton indicated her approval in a statement yesterday. "We think that nothing stabilizes a nation's government like becoming a nuclear power," she said. "First of all, they have to get it together to create a viable nuclear program in the first place. And once they have, then they have the tiger by the tail, oh boy!"
- US Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn comes out about his Tourette's Syndrome. He had raised suspicions by uncontrollably shouting that India was a threat to the United States on the day India launched its first indigenous nuclear submarine. Pressure from the India lobby finally got him over the hump. "I am proud to be standing before you fucking liberal motherfuckers today representing Tourette's sufferers worldwide," Cronyn stated in a press conference last week. "It is an ongoing battle, Obama commie cocksucker! But if I can reach such high office with my disadvantage, Santorum! Sanford! anyone can!"
- US Congress passed a resolution last month that every member of that body would like to sleep with Reza Aslan. The resolution mentions the Riverside professor's charmingly salt and pepper curls, quirky smile, and his way with words both on and off the page. Congress seemed particularly interested in his Vans sneakers, a "sign of a mind delicately balanced between the concerns of high and low." The resolution was nearly unanimous, with only Barbara Lee voting no.
- Los Angeles Korean Americans are exempt from the recession. They just are. And you're not.
- An Indian American armed bank robber pleaded guilty to falsely reporting a carjacking last week. The car wasn't actually stolen; he was using it in the commission of a robbery. The jury had previously acquitted him of the robbery charges, feeling that the novelty of an Indian American bank robber was such that they didn't want to spoil it with a jail term. Not so the false carjacking report, though. "He should have trusted us to make the right decision," said jury foreman Nathan Rockford, "and not gone clogging up police records with false reports."
- A Hmong American sporting event in Wasau attracted thousands of non-Hmong Asian American violent protesters. At issue was the appropriation of the title "Asian American Sports Festival" for what is essentially a Hmong event. "We're being left out," complained protest spearhead Steven Chu, Obama's Secretary of Energy, who feels he is also an Asian American. Attendees compared the rioting to the unrest at English football matches.
- MSG helps you lose weight. We woulda reported on this in our last issue if we had known. Damn, who cares about heart palpitations or migraines?
- Vietnam deported a Vietnamese American pro-democracy activist collecting information on government action against pro-democracy activists, for spreading false information against the State of Viet Nam. Actually, that one's true, so kudos to the world for producing it.
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