Hyphen Lynks: The Extremely Boring vs. Totally Untrue News Edition

July 31, 2009

  • The Indo-American Chamber of Commerce is holding a summit in NYC in September to discuss how they can facilitate the trade of weapons-grade plutonium between the US, rising former third world nuclear powers, and crazy banana republicstans in the midst of civil war.

    Secretary Clinton indicated her approval in a statement yesterday. "We think that nothing stabilizes a nation's government like becoming a nuclear power," she said. "First of all, they have to get it together to create a viable nuclear program in the first place. And once they have, then they have the tiger by the tail, oh boy!"

  • US Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn comes out about his Tourette's Syndrome. He had raised suspicions by uncontrollably shouting that India was a threat to the United States on the day India launched its first indigenous nuclear submarine. Pressure from the India lobby finally got him over the hump. "I am proud to be standing before you fucking liberal motherfuckers today representing Tourette's sufferers worldwide," Cronyn stated in a press conference last week. "It is an ongoing battle, Obama commie cocksucker! But if I can reach such high office with my disadvantage, Santorum! Sanford! anyone can!"
  • An Indian American armed bank robber pleaded guilty to falsely reporting a carjacking last week. The car wasn't actually stolen; he was using it in the commission of a robbery. The jury had previously acquitted him of the robbery charges, feeling that the novelty of an Indian American bank robber was such that they didn't want to spoil it with a jail term. Not so the false carjacking report, though. "He should have trusted us to make the right decision," said jury foreman Nathan Rockford, "and not gone clogging up police records with false reports."
  • A Hmong American sporting event in Wasau attracted thousands of non-Hmong Asian American violent protesters. At issue was the appropriation of the title "Asian American Sports Festival" for what is essentially a Hmong event. "We're being left out," complained protest spearhead Steven Chu, Obama's Secretary of Energy, who feels he is also an Asian American. Attendees compared the rioting to the unrest at English football matches.
  • MSG helps you lose weight. We woulda reported on this in our last issue if we had known. Damn, who cares about heart palpitations or migraines?

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