Hollywood's Calling

How to make your own movie-esque road trip.

August 1, 2008

OMFG. You've run out of viral videos to send to all your more occupied friends. Your boss has saddled you with everyone else's work. You forgot to put in your vacation request and you're stuck. Weary of sitting around, you realize: It's time for that life-changing, movie-esque road trip.


A ride

A buddy or group of buddies

A villain

A goal


Celebrity cameo

If you need more of a kick start than getting out of work, start by doing something terrible. Send a venomous tape of yourself doing horrible things to your significant other or parents-like cheating (on the significant other) or images of you switching your major from premed to basket weaving (to your parents). They must live a significant distance away. Send it via overnight mail. You have to let it get a head start.

Round up your posse. The nerd, the stoner, the Stifler. It is best if they are all combined into one and even better if one brings a laptop, IPhone or other beloved object that you will eventually destroy in an ill-fated attempt of some kind.

Get your ride. It is often recommended you rent a car with insurance. Although your own expensive vehicle can also be used for greater effect and heartbreak, it does not matter what you leave town in-it will not be coming back with you.

Travel through small and even smaller backwoods towns. When greeted with puzzled stares concerning your ethnicity, it is best to reply with "I am Japanese" or "I am Chinese" no matter what ethnicity you actually are. Note: Often it is best to go with "I am Chinese" as it conjures less connotations of "the War."

Break the stereotype that Asians are bad drivers. After each caper, successfully evade the police, overt racists and extreme sport enthusiasts with your impressive driving skills honed from years of playing Grand Theft Auto. Your mother always thought that spending every waking hour playing video games would never come in handy-well, this is also an opportunity to prove her wrong. Video games can save lives, especially your own.

Encounter some lost, drugged-out or kidnapped former star of an '80s TV sitcom or movie. How about that Data kid from Goonies? What's he got going on now, anyway?

Ultimately, after escaping a multitude of scrapes you'll end up at your final destination and successfully fail in capturing your video tape only to realize it wasn't the tape of you in a compromising position with the Taiwanese foreign exchange student. Oops! At least on the drive home you can reflect upon all that you've learned . . . or not and repeat this all again in the sequel-next weekend.

Annette Lee always recommends stopping in Gettysburg for Civil War re-enactments and ham casserole ... and an antacid.

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