IT'S HARD getting into college nowadays. Population booms, impacted campuses, pressuring parents, that overachieving girl who fed you the wrong answers on the honors Spanish final-all make for an applications headache. Well, why not pop a college aspirin and avoid all the pain and agony? Taking a page from recent fake student celebrity, Azia Kim, all you need to do is learn how to pose as a student at a top ranked college. Below are a few tips to get you started.
WHAT YOU NEED
* The ability to lie and lie well
* Good running shoes
* An ambiguous face
* First generation parents hovering over your shoulder telling you that if you don't get into [name of Ivy League school here] you will shame the family and dishonor them forever. And ever.
FRESH AIR LIVING
The downfall of many fake students has stemmed from their living situation. Sure, you could follow Azia's route: convince your roommates that there was a mix-up in housing and that crawling through the window to get into the room is totally the "in" thing this year. Besides the added bonus of always having fresh air, you'll have to hide your belongings in others' closets, sometimes sleep on the common room couch and run the opposite direction when a resident advisor approaches. But sometimes the KISS method is the best method. So, Keep It Simple Stupid-say you live off-campus.
Getting online and revealing every boring aspect of your day on Facebook (Mary is currently flossing!) has become an essential part of college life. Remember to keep posting updates on being homesick, Professor Moody's bad toupee and the atrocity that is the cafeteria's "Pete's Portobello Mushroom" on sites like Xanga and MySpace. This way friends and family can read and be assured that, at least on the Internet, you are a college student.
WORK THE STEREOTYPE
OK, this one may only be for the ladies. Another recently outed Stanford imposter, Elizabeth Okazaki, used her feminine Asian wiles and was able to use a graduate research facility for four years. At one point, she had taken up residence in an office and was given a key to the building. Despite numerous complaints and questions about her legitimacy as a student, she was allowed to remain in the building. Many believe this was due to LAW, the Little Asian Woman theory, wherein because one is little and non-threatening in appearance one is safe and should be allowed to roam freely in a secured building. Ladies, LAW worked for Elizabeth, and it can work for you. Don't be afraid to use the LAW.
So keep your head held low and your windows open. And hey, even if you get caught, if you're creative enough, perhaps your Ivy League school of choice might just admit you as a real student after all.
Annette Lee is a writer based In Washington, DC and never cheated on a test that mattered.