Annette Lee
Resistance Is Futile
How to use a Chinese finger trap in multiple survival situations.
WHAT YOU NEED
• Chinese Finger Trap, natch
• A Situation
The Chinese finger trap dates back to the early 6th century BC when Lao Tzu, under attack by alien rebels, used the device to confuse and subdue these outer-worldly invaders.* While some scholars doubt this history of the Chinese finger trap, one fact remains true: It is as useful today as it was then in getting one out of sticky situations.
Rocking Rachmaninoff ... or Else
How to be your own Tiger Mom.
Were you raised “Western” style by your uncaring, unloving parents? Were you forced to attend school dances AND sleepovers? Did you suffer through the humiliation of getting A’s in gym and drama? If so, it’s not too late to reclaim the superior upbringing your parents denied you. Following the easy steps below, you can start your recovery and become your very own Tiger Mom.
Making Better Memories
How to throw a grownup prom.
Did your parents forbid you to go the Spring Fling because the ACTs, the SAT fallback, were the next day? Did your actual prom experience leave you wanting something ... different? Never fear. With this handy guide, you can plan the Senior Ball/Junior Prom/Sock Hop you never had — with the added bonus in that you can now legally spike the punch.
WHAT YOU NEED
Crêpe paper
Balloons
Evite/Facebook event post
Sound system and Pandora
Thrift store tux or dress (ruffles optional)
100 of your closest friends/neighbors
Crowns
The Big Game
How to become a video game legend.
Perhaps the easiest legacy to leave is the one of the video game — even if it is the only high score on your gaming console. You may not be this year’s Donkey Kong champion, Hank Chien, but hey, you can be No. 1 in your own living room.
Faux Show
How to buy knockoffs in Manhattan’s Chinatown.
What you need: Cash — preferably a couple $20s wrapped in one-dollar bills. Really, all you need is cash.
RE-MODEL MINORITY
How to defy cultural stereotypes to be the worst Asian. Ever.
Writer Annette Lee Illustrator Joseph To
YOU’VE NEVER REALLY FIT IN with the family. Your talents and values tend to veer off the path set forth by your sainted ancestors Yo-Yo Ma and spelling bee champ Kavya Shivashankar. You’ve failed at excellence. You’ve failed your parents. But it’s not too late. You can still excel at being … the Worst Asian.
WHAT YOU NEED
• Your mind
• 10 fingers
My Mother, My Father, My Roommates
How to move back in with your parents.
DUE TO THE RECESSION and an untimely breakup, you've been left homeless and penniless. Couch surfing at friends' places has worn (them) thin, and although sleeping in your car is cozy, the showering in public restrooms part smacks of that unsavory spring break in Tijuana. It's time to use your last option: Move in with Mom and Dad.
WHAT YOU NEED
* No decent job
* Scant funds
* Parents with a home
Ponzi Scam? More Like Ponzu Scam
How to avoid getting grifted by Asian American con artists.
DESPERATE TIMES create desperate people. Some people get a job at The Java Hut on the weekends. Others start brown bagging lunches. But some - the crafty - start gritting. With the capture of "Hipster Grifter" Kari Ferrell and conviction of Norman Hsu of misappropriating Democratic party campaign funds, some of the most notorious Asian con artists have been caught. But you are still at risk. Here are some tips to avoid being the next victim of a con artist:
WHAT YOU NEED
* A healthy suspicion
* New locks
Glutton for a Championship
Fill your appetite with these tips on how to become a top competitive eater.
TIMES ARE ROUGH with foreclosures, a banking crisis and impending financial apocalypse hovering over us. Are you among those suddenly strapped for cash? No more pocket change for your weekly lunches at Morton's? Is your hybrid Lexus staying in the garage because you can't even afford to fill up enough to get the car going in electric mode? Then perhaps competitive eating can be for you! With grand prizes of up to $350,000 and more than 125 foods to quickly gorge upon, this can be your ticket to avoid complete financial ruin.
What You Need
Gym membership
Hollywood's Calling
How to make your own movie-esque road trip.
OMFG. You've run out of viral videos to send to all your more occupied friends. Your boss has saddled you with everyone else's work. You forgot to put in your vacation request and you're stuck. Weary of sitting around, you realize: It's time for that life-changing, movie-esque road trip.
WHAT YOU NEED:
A ride
A buddy or group of buddies
A villain
A goal
Beers
Celebrity cameo
It's My Way or the Feng Shui
How to bring enlightenment to your computer desktop.
YOUR COMPUTER DESKTOP looks like Microsoft documents had a population explosion on your screen. Here are a few feng shui tips to get started on the path to electronic-organized enlightenment.
What you need:
All of the Fun and None of the Work
How to pose as a student at a top tier college.
IT'S HARD getting into college nowadays. Population booms, impacted campuses, pressuring parents, that overachieving girl who fed you the wrong answers on the honors Spanish final-all make for an applications headache. Well, why not pop a college aspirin and avoid all the pain and agony? Taking a page from recent fake student celebrity, Azia Kim, all you need to do is learn how to pose as a student at a top ranked college. Below are a few tips to get you started.
WHAT YOU NEED
* The ability to lie and lie well
* Good running shoes
* An ambiguous face